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“No man is an island. ” – John Donne

Sa unang part ng Living Solo Chronicles ko ay nabanggit ko na I’ve always wanted to be alone. And syempre given na I’m actually providing myself, yung responsibilidad ay umaakyat papunta sa aking sistema. Ang dami palang responsibilities na hindi lahat nawelcome ko.

This past few days, naging anxious ako masyado. In terms of work na dumadami na naman ang census. Ibig sabihin lang non ay toxic na naman ang duty. Madami pa akong naiisip na area na nagpapastress talaga sakin na natatakot ako. “I need someone.”

The moment palang na kinakabahan na ako ay nagdasal na ko kay Lord. Talagang dinama ko siya kasi takot ako nung time na yun and I don’t think it’s good na. The next thing I did, I immediately called my boyfriend to hear his voice and calm me down. Nacalm down naman ako. Tinext ko rin yung kapatid ko that time.

Dumaan ang duty, nagsasabay ang kalma at sobrang natataranta kong utak. Kinalaunan kumalma ako.

Itong part ng life ko ay 1 reminder lang na support is indeed a special part of my life. It is where I can get back to my toes again after a strong strike of wind. Na that I need someone is inevitable in our lives. Masaya na I have a family, mahal at higit sa lahat Diyos na alam kong naka-alalay sakin.

Wag sana nating kakalimutan to always look back kasi we have this foundation in us and bago pa man natin naipasamento at napatibay ay puspusan munang binantayan at sinimulan ng ating pamilya.

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Never Not Love You

Kaya pala gusto kitang panoorin. Kaya pala nagshowing ulit. Kaya pala sabi ko may matutunan ako sayo.

I am crying while typing this down. All I want to tell about are the lessons I’ve learned from this movie.

Unang una. Narealize ko kung gaano mo ko kamahal. How possible it is for a person to love despite all difficulties. How possible na maging hiling mo lang is makasama yung mahal mo all throughout.

Pangalawa. The smiley. I used to write on your hand if I’m not mistaken or baka sa kamay ko ako mahilig magsulat. Marupok ang memory ko but I think we did that.

Pangatlo. Mas pinili ko na humiwalay muna sayo bago ka makasama. Kasi gusto ko maggrow on my own para di ko maramdaman na masaya lang ako kapag andyan ka. Ayoko na umasa yung pagkatao ko sa iba kasi may pangarap din ako. And even though it may sound selfish or not, in reality it’s not that (selfishness). It’s having the space out of togetherness, the sense of self kasi ayokong mawala sa pagkatao ko and tuluyan lang maanod ng pagmamahal hanggang sa mabulag at di makita yung ganda kapag nahihirapan na.

Pang-apat. Honesty. Siguro kung may one word man na masasabi ko sa movie na ‘to that applies to me is honesty. Sobrang ganda nung inamin ni James( I forgot his screen name) yung confusion and nakikita niya kay Joanne. Then I realize maybe you were that honest to me and mas pinili ko lang masaktan sa salita mo at isipin kung gaano ako kapangit kahit hindi ganon ang tingin mo. It is so honest that it teaches me to do the same and accept wholeheartedly.

Panglima. Lumingon. Ganoon pala ka-importante yung small details sa atin. Simpleng hindi paglingon at ang lakas ng impact. There I realized how I should treasure and value the efforts of Now. Like, I’m with you and we are together. And that runs everyday and it should be in us everyday.

Pang-anim. There are times that you should listen to people. Hindi yung sobrang close pero alam mong bibigyan ka ng substance para maintindihin mo yung bagay na hindi mo way. Kasi aminin ko man, kailangan ko ng ibang tao na mag-explain sakin ng mga bagay-bagay kasi di ko siya agad marerealize on my own.

Pang-pito. Kaugali mo yung character ni James. Nagdidisplace kapag sagad na ang temper. Hahahaha.

Pang-walo. Reality. Never Not Love you is Real. Bagay na Jadine ang gumanap. Kasi diba Team Real sila.

Pang-siyam. Wag kang susuko kahit confused at pagod ka. Love is a choice and alam mo sa sarili mo na mahal mo. Kung di mo ulit nakikita, let time tell you. And he will show you how that love is alive all this time.

Pang-sampu. I WILL NEVER NOT LOVE YOU!

💜

SEE YOU. I still believe in us. I still believe in you. I love you.

Photo credits to the owner.

1. Learning my First Level of Humility

Gusto ko nito kaso di ko naman kailangan at wala na akong pera. Next time nalang.

I chose to be independent for a couple of reason and isa dito ay para matutong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa at mamuhay sa bunga ng mga pinagpagudan ko. At tsaka bata palang talaga ako mahilig na ako magsarili. Mapa-problema, decision, lungkot atbp. madalas ako lang. And this opportunity came and I am now living with 3 roomates na kapwa ko nurse. I still feel alone even if I’m with them, yung magandang alone. Like having my own space, my own ser od time, rules, work and whatsover. It’s fun and it is Freedom.

Simulan ko na yung sinasabi kong Humility. I grew up sa pamilyang provider ng needs, tamang wants and comfort sa buhay. Tamang baon, magagandang school, maayos na pagkain, matitirhan at damit. In short, masasabi kong lumaki akong maagaan ang buhay. Di kami sobrang yaman pero kaya kaming buhayin ng mga magulang namin.

Papunta akong Robinsons that afternoon and gutom na talaga ako. I’ve settled enough budget lang para sa ipinunta ko doon. Nakadaan ako sa isang karinderya ng Goto na talagang nung umaga ko pa naiisip. Umorder ako at nung mai-serve yung pagkain may naisip lang ako. Gusto ko rin sana mag Jollibee, Bonchon at Milktea non pero sabi ko nga sakto lang pera ko. Yung mga kasabay ko kumain mga trabahador. Honestly meron sa sarili kong feeling na I should could afford more (insecurities) pero nangingibabaw yung lecture na ito yung kailangan ko pang ayusin yung humility Level ko. Masaya ako dahil pagkatapos kong kumain nakita ko yung realidad ng buhay na not because I have a good job ay I can have everything I want. Kailanhan ko yung paghirapan.

Kaya ko ito na-ipost ay dahil sa picture na nasa taas. May 20 doon. I was looking at some weekly ipon challenge 3 weeks ago dahil gusto kong makag-aral na ako yung magfifinance sa sarili ko. Yung maiipon ko pangtuition ko. Kanina naghulog ako para sa ika-3rd week and sabi ko sa sarili ko ito yung humility na kailangan kong matutunan. Wala na ako sa comfy life na kahit mawalan ako alam kong meron. Ngayon ay andito na ako sa realidad ng buhay ko bilang isanv young adult. Mahirap ang trabaho at it takes time para makaipon pero nakakatuwa na sa pagdaan ng kaunting weeks ay nagkakalaman na yung bote ng tubig na yon. Para ring hinihila yung puso ko na may pagtitiisan muna ako, actually ay marami muna akong pagtitiisan bago ako makapag-aral. Medyo malungkot kasi hindi instant, natututo akong magpakumbaba dahil ito palang talaga ang kaya ko. Ito na yung kinakaya ko, nagbubunga little by little.

Yung mga sana ko noon, ginagawa ko na ngayon. Tatapusin ko yan, para maka-aral ako next year.

Hulthcer 😘

Now that I’m 22,

Being 22 is a lot different from being 21 before. From the acceptance I had last time to the accepting I am now.

I’m excited I’m 22 years old now and for sure I will read a lot of blogs and sharing for women on what they have done being 22. I am also even more confident because I can feel a little bit more in control to my life than I have before. The last thing I have ever thought about was seeing what is clear to me. It’s like the hand I use in holding my glass wont tremble as much as it used to be. Di’ba nga sabi nila age does not measure maturity, but I guess age makes you really mature for those who have yet to take their real wants and goals in my life. And yes being clear to yourself is a maturity. There is an increase in guts and increase for risk taking kasi you’re a little old enough but also quite very young also.

Actually what comes into my mind was, “ano bang desisyon mo?” And that is the question with a lot of responsibilities, guilt, longing for your dream but at times doubt. Why doubt, kasi I’m going to leave behind something I think I should do instead. And why does the question seemed negatively equivalents the freedom it has? Maybe because I am not ready yet.

Having the choice to decide for myself is one way I can lift my step higher to reach a longer path, the path I so wanted and wished for. And to live in the world na sila muna, sige it’s okay. And then I plan, I set and there that decision would return. Or I had it already the moment I’ve set things because it is going to happen. The sila I’m talking about was my family and my dreams in life means to be away from them because it is not always that the magnet attracts each other. But that’s a different story and I want to say to those who have reached what they want by 22, I’m on my way there. And to those like me, yes we have a long way to go but nearly there.

The Power of Prayer

I am graduate (shemay graduate na pala ako!) of Bachelor of Science in Nursing in De La Salle Health Sciences Institute . Along with my batchmates and the other students, the NLE has come and with only 5 days left to prepare.

Honestly I’m at my anxious stage. I feel like I haven’t really studied a lot and I think my difficulty parin talaga ako in terms sa base knowledge ko kasi nakakalimutan ko talaga. Pero feeling ko din kinain na ng sistema ang utak ko Lol. Hahaha.

Ano nga ba ang lalabas sa board exam? Yung nirereview ba namin, mahirap ba talaga pero bakit basic knowledge lang daw. Di’ba nakakalito. I also want to know yung mga feelings ng mga kapwa ko board exam taker. Kaway-kaway kasi baka magka-school pala tayo sa mga designated dates. Hindi na ako magsheshare ng madaming tips  kasi alam kong may kanya-kanya na tayong strategies pero just in case meron ba na katulad ko na parang sabog. Yung tipong hindi mo na alam kung babasahin mo ba lahat uli in just mere 5 days jusko. Parang gusto ko ng sumuko. Plus nahihirapan pa ako magfocus minsan so lalong patong-patong plus crammer pa ako (Goodluck to me). But But But to those na baka in the midst of losing their will to strive harder this remaining days I hope makatulong ako.

One of the things na nakakatuwa sa School, sa review center (R.A. GAPUZ) at classmates ko ay malakas talaga ang kapit kay Lord. What I mean is that, eventually if you’re not the “little bit of religious” type ng tao, mas makikita mo yung beauty ng prayer. Through prayers makaka-usap mo si God or marerelease mo lahat ng mga “Lord gusto ko po mag-TOP sa boards tulungan niyo po ako” and “Lord I need motivation, please give me more”. And alam mo yun, eventually darating ka rin sa point na like me, My prayer was my motivation now. Isinulat ko siya sa papel and everytime mawawala ako sa focus aalahanin ko lang siya.

In that prayer nakasulat kung ano lang ba talaga ang primary pangarap ko. Yung pangarap na nagpalipad ng puso ko.  Yung pangarap na nakikita ko yung sarili ko na nakangiti kahit hirap na hirap na ko. Yung PANGARAP NA HUGOT, malalim at alam mong nakakapag-pangiti ka ng iba. Di’ba gumaganon.  Yung pangarap na hindi mo pa nagagawa o nakakamtam pero feel na feel mo na so mapapa-work work work  work work ♫ ka talaga.  Yung tipong lahat ng bad vibes, kamalasan sa buhay mo, nakakapabadtrip, nakakapag-padown ng system mo lahat ng pwedeng mag-shake sayo will slowly or automatically shut down kasi you have the eye for the price. Kaloka kaya, the process habang nagrereview, alam mong nagsa-struggle ka kasi mabigat yung problema sa sarili mo kasi tamad na tamad ka na and sa iba, hindi pa nga tapos yung isa may isa pa. Sobrang salamat kay Lord kasi lumipas na siya at ngayon ang naiisip ko nalang at ang tangi ko nalang iisipin ay how to make the most out of everything I have.

Prayer and God + Preparation +  + Confidence ang the best formula, but ganito yung akin Prayer And God + Preparation (struggle > time) + Optimism (kayabangan > confidence). I find it funny too but I work the best with that formula. I know meron din kayo and lalung-lalo na sa mga katulad ko talaga na alam niyo naman na hindi madasalin pero deep inside alam mong nagdadasal ka and yung prayer sayo is something na ginagawa mo and hindi mo lang siya sinasabi. Find the best prayer that will work on you to not to or not just to make you Board Top Notchers or with the  100% passing rate but to inspire you to be more of a great Registered Nurse. Kasi sobrang Broad ng nursing, with the knowledge we have makakatulong ka na sa simpleng nasugatan and may sakit, lolo and lola mo and kinaiinisan mo. Pray to God na lahat ng inaaral mo ma-aaply mo, ma-eexplain mo ng maayos at makakapag-care ka kasi feeling ko dahil feelingera ako, yun yung basic knowledge na ibig sabihin this coming board exam. So Aja sa lahat ng magbo-board exam. Kapag nag-eenjoy ka naman wala namang mahirap lang kasi marami naman tayong basta masaya walang pake-alam kung too late, too many and too difficult. ☺

Sorry if hindi consistent yung thoughts, medyo sabog na writer ako hahaha. Love you all.

Confused Little Fairy

And we started the day fine
It came out not well.

I showed my feelings and you got mad.
No, you are hurt.

I may not be showing so much of myself to you.

It’s very confusing.

When will I consider your thoughts when you’re doing things to me?
And when will my feelings be heard when I do things to you?
When , How and What…
I thought I had a strong sense of Emotional Quotient. Well I think I hadn’t. 

I’m easily affected with my emotions.

Fuck this isn’t so good.
I can manage but I try not to, I think I cannot.

You still came,

Pushing your pride away.

I was selfish, no. I was being myself.

I was creating a message,

you were reading a different one.

I come to you like a clear water,

clearer and still like a water in a glass.

But you are on your own, like a running water.

Maybe you have realized, … nothing.

I don’t want to assume,

Not as the same as you did to me.

It can kill a lot of time,

so as feelings.

Maybe you took the trail I took before.

Isn’t it exhausting.

I feel sorry with what I did but not with the rest.

I know we are like magnets fusing,

but I still have my side. It will remain.

It does not mean that I still have that side, that I will be and stay there as if…

you were never of use cause you can’t attract me no more.

Honey don’t be…

Please don’t.

You never asked, as usual.

When will you?

We are very different.

I came to you, I will come to you.

Because I always try to ask because I don’t have any idea of your world.

So don’t push me away.

You think as if you know how my world revolves.

The way you act, maybe you were slowly trying to love yourself.

I was trying to love both.

Will the magic work again?

Just like it did before? as it always did.

The Way Back

February 16, 2015

My love you were so shy

If only you knew how I wanted to cry.

Just by hearing you say not only unending goodbyes

But now, my all-day and all-night lullabies. 

It was the first time I’ve received an I love you from you. Like and love goes the same for me as you knew. I like you but I probably love you or I love you but maybe I just like you, so much. We both knew that everything have come so fast and we can’t stop. But I bear in mind that I will love you without asking for something in return. I will make you happy and I will make feel loved. I’ll stay to be me, grow to be the better version of myself as change will always be there. For you to realize that the moment I have been with you will always remain to be something I will always be thankful for.

♥ mylove

Sorry for being selfish sometimes. Sorry for making you worry and making you feel less needed. Sorry for hurting you when I don’t intended to. But always remember that,

October 16 

The magic that have brought me to you, will always bring me back to you. 

To the downfalls that gives  a glimpse of ideas of ending this, I’ll sure go and look beyond. My body and mind will and my heart should without commands.

For I was the kind of lover, who will just give the best of me to the all kinds of you: the best and much more when you’re at your worst. 

The Way Back. The way I wanted to love you.

Happy 8th. 🙂 Though we never celebrated that kind of stuff. I’m very happy that I have stayed with you and you know what, I’m just loving you much more than yesterday.

I Love You!

Things I’ve Learned

God is our teacher and life is our test paper.

We are the students and what we do are our answers. The only difference is that there are no A’s and F’s because what matters most is how we answered it and if we finished it.

Things I’ve Learned

♥ Dating myself is a must have.

♥ Love is not about what I am but how I love my partner.

♥ It’s better be late than never same as being ahead than later. But to us crammers, it’s being on time. EXACTLY ON TIME.

♥ It won’t hurt to be a little bit more honest than usual to my partner

♥ Never give UP!

♥ I will always appreciate myself because it is one of my very foundation

♥ Explore and explore but …

♥ Mistakes, Pain and Sufferings are blessings. Sometimes people don’t have much of it when they want more of it.

♥ “Miracles aren’t always as we seem to think of… It’s just there. Those that always been with us. Whom we always notice but never notice.” And he said, “Notice it before it’s too late.” – Paper Towns (FAVORITE ♥).

♥ Love yourself

♥ Be futuristic, be a risk taker and be yourself. After all, it’s about me..

I guess there’s more…

[PART 1]

What Keeps Me Going

I am just like a bomb waiting to be lighten up whenever there’s that ultimate series of stresses coming from every part of my holistic being. I was shaking and emotional but my tears won’t just fall like that. I ended up sighing and just wooo, go with the flow. But stress never leaves and sticks like a glue unless you find a way to remove it.

And I guess, we have that someone or something that pushes us the pulls of hesitations, fatigue and doubts. Those that keeps us going. It feels like the hardest day ever but with just one move or thing, everything can change. The stresses won’t leave but I’ll be able to find a better way to handle them. It is just so good that what keeps you moving, sets you to be a better person.

Have you thanked that person personally? If yes then good and if not then why not now. ☺

For that person whom I always address my blogs and the likes, I thank you for the inspirations. You got me by all means and I got you for all of that is meant to me. I love you and you are that what keeps me going after God.

♥♥♥