Guide my Heart and …
This one is especially for you.
This is not too direct but and these are the thoughts I find hard to say and too hard to think about.
I really love your smell. It is exactly the same thing you told me but honestly I find your scent really soothing. It’s making me comfy. I really love your serious eyes, it makes me weak and that is the only time I ever wanted to be weak. I really feel secured when you putt your hands on my waist. It makes me feel like you don’t want to lose me.
I never loved our fights and misunderstandings but they are the best things I should be thankful for because I’m being more honest. If only I can be your magic who can easily turn sadness into happiness, but no. I’m the reciprocal of all the things I wanted to be to you. Do you remember the words from the movie we have watched, “what wrong about silence that makes people uneasy.” Yes, I do love silence and I’m like that most of the time. While hugging you tight, I can stay quiet for hours but actually my mind never stopped talking Sometimes, I just hug you and imagine that scenario. How sweet, simple and heart throbbing it is to me. How I feel so at home in your arms and shoulders, and how I feel you more.
You taught me how important the word I Love You means that when you said that there was a time you never felt it or you just don’t want to listen to it, I’ve become a bit cautious. It’s not something so bad but I think something has changed and it wasn’t like how it used to be. It’s not about getting back to what you’ve said but I’m doing it to preserve and nurture those words. It will always be the last thing I’ll say to you and not as much as I say it before.
I’m really not into milky or saucy foods but you’re carbonara is definitely an exception. It taste so good and even if I tell you how appetizing it is you will never believe but I guess you did when I told you, “You’re carbonara is definitely the tastiest I have ever had.”
But these things I’ve written are the ones that I’ve loved during the process but the very first thing I loved about you is how considerate you are for others. It is something I don’t usually do and it is something not everybody will do. You seldom say to yourself that you are a good person but neither of your words nor my presence/attitude will define your kindness. It is what you do and what you make the people whom you care the most feel. You may not be the goodest-good but you are. You are also a bad person and so do I. It was another sad thing that I’m unconsciously giving you a bad impression from others. I wouldn’t say that to you but thank you for saying it anyway. I don’t want to know that burden only when it’s too late.
You know what, loving you is like the massive change ever. You’re the biggest wave that ever hit my walls. You make me cross the thinnest line with no bars and handles to hold on. It’s either I fall, I continue to walk or I did fall but I’ve managed to hold on the line. My heart wanted to tell something by the way… I love you and every happiness, sadness, pain, struggle, burden and inconsistency there is I know that you will always be there for me. I may not be like you but I guess my heart beats as much as you do. You are now one of the biggest stimulants that triggers my emotion, physique, etc. Take good care of me, understand me, don’t be afraid to be afraid. If you cannot hold a heart like mine who’s different from yours, she will be the happiest ever when you find the one that will fit yours. But it’ll be great if it’s me but my heart learned something. It was actually dependent on you but by the time you first broke my heart, It learned how to be independent again. She became better and stronger. She will slowly show you the best and the worst side of her you have never seen. Let’s see how you will hold hers. And how much difference there is between you, her mind and heart always just felt so happy and optimistic that these are the cutest thing both of you have.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
I write my story and I’m yet to reach the end but this chapter is one of the best, the bests that I love.